What’s up ,Emely here, and today I’m going to give you six tips for safer, more effective arguments with your spouse. Now, as any married person will tell you… occasional arguments with your partner are inevitable. And in fact, research has even shown that arguing with your spouse can be a good thing for your marriage.
I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s actually true. But the problem is, though, many couples don’t have healthy arguments. Instead, they have arguments that lead to …you know, resentment, frustration, and overall damage to the marriage. So if your marriage is on the rocks right now, then you probably know about the kind of fights that I’m talking about. The ones that you know, deep down are slowly eroding the connection that you have with your spouse.
So if you’re in that boat, if you want future disagreements with your spouse to actually be productive and healthy, rather than damaging to your marriage, keep reading.
Before we get into that, i want to mention that this article and all the articles, the knowledge i have here are inspired by the EX FACTOR GUIDE, a very helpful and unique relationship tips and tricks for a better relationship, marriage and even to get your ex back…so if you need more help i highly suggest to take a look by clicking here.
now here’s the 6 tips to have a better arguments with your spouse :
Tip number one :
is to stop using exaggerated language. Now, this is one of the most important tips that I can offer to any married couple that struggles with frequent conflicts. exaggerated language includes saying things like : you’re always late, why can’t you just show up on time for once or every time I walk into the kitchen, there’s a pile of your dirty dishes in the sink? or Why do you always say rude things around my family? Now… Do you see the problem with these statements?
Simply put, they’re all false and exaggerated? I mean, has your spouse really never shown up on time? Is it true that your spouse hasn’t ever washed dishes? Not likely, right. So there’s two kinds of problems with this kind of statement.
To begin with, all your spouse is going to have to do is come up with one example of him or her cleaning up after themselves or being on time to prove you wrong. So from your spouse’s perspective, what you’ve said is blatant hyperbole. And it’s clearly not a true reflection of reality. as a result, your spouse will think that you’re being you know, untruthful and condescending.
secondly, this kind of statement is too confrontational to have a positive impact on your spouse’s behavior, they’re simply going to latch on to the exaggerated nature of your statement. And they’re going to ignore the underlying issue that you’re actually trying to address.
So the solution is simple, use more precise, realistic language when you’re bringing up concerns with your partner. So instead of saying, You’re always late, you could instead say, can you please try to be on time when we meet with our friends, I’d appreciate it if you could make more of an effort not to be late.
Now, I know you might be skeptical here. And that’s fair, by itself, this isn’t going to fix your marriage and make all your arguments productive. But honestly, you’d be very surprised at how much of a positive impact using this kind of precise language can actually make to your disagreements. So try it for yourself and see how much more receptive your spouse’s, and when you try to frame things in this kind of more realistic and precise way.
Tip number two :
is to start your arguments in the right way. this ties into what we just talked about, it’s important to bring up contentious issues in the right way. So when you have a concern that you want to voice to your spouse, make sure that you start the conversation in a positive and productive way.
So, this means picking a time when your spouse you know, isn’t already in a bad mood, or when you don’t have the time or privacy to have a proper discussion about the issue. And it also means you know, using a respectful tone and not yelling at your spouse or berating them.
And of course, it also means using precise language rather than exaggerations, like we just talked about starting on the right foot sets the tone for the conversation, and it makes it more likely that your spouse won’t feel you know, like they’re being attacked.
Tip number three :
is to listen empathetically. Now this one is something that many of my marriage coaching clients have a lot of problems with, when you’re having a disagreement with your partner, it’s crucial to actually listen to what they’re saying, try to see things from their perspective, and acknowledge their concerns.
Now, Dr. Gary Chapman, who’s the author of the famous Five Love Languages book, he suggests saying something like, I think I understand what you’re saying what you’re feeling. And it does make a lot of sense. this is a very simple and easy way to show that your spouse has shown them that you’re on their team, you know that you’re a friend and not an enemy.
And it also shows that you’re actually …you know, listening to them and processing what they’re saying, rather than simply dismissing it or focusing on your own side of the argument. Okay, moving on to
Tip number four :
And that is to be curious and ask questions. So just like the previous tip number three, it’s also important to ask for clarification or more detail, when you’re not entirely sure what your partner’s saying, Now, this is a very easy way to show your spouse that you actually care about their feelings, and that you’re trying to understand their side of the argument.
So say things like, I think I understand what you mean. But can you unpack that a bit more for me? Or even, okay, I think I get what you’re saying, but can you give me an example. And again, the goal here is to show your spouse that you’re trying to see things from their perspective, if you do this properly, your partner is going to feel like you’re not working against them, but rather that you’re trying to work with them to resolve the underlying issue.
Tip number five :
replaced the word “you” with “i” . Now if you’ve red some of my past posts on this topic, you’ve probably heard this one before. But I did want to include it again here because it’s such a powerful tip. So basically, instead of using the word you when you’re bringing up a concern with your spouse, try framing the topic with the word AI instead. So for example, instead of saying “you never take out the trash”, or “why do you always leave me the job of taking out the trash”.
You could instead say “I’d love your help taking out the trash next week”. Now this is a stupidly simple change that doesn’t water On the issue that you’re trying to address, but it can make a huge difference to how your spouse responds.
In fact, I just got an email from a coaching client yesterday, telling me how much of a difference this little tip made to her marriage, her husband suddenly started listening to her concerns, instead of you know, immediately becoming angry and defensive when she started to use this technique.
So next time, you want to bring up a point of contention with your partner, try using the word “i” instead of you and see for yourself how much this tiny little change can make your arguments less argumentative and more productive.
Tip number six :
is to know when to shut down the conversation and take a break. Now often married couples will start discussing something in a respectful, constructive way. And then the conversation will you know spiral into a screaming match with both sides mentally committed to winning rather than to actually resolving the underlying issue.
So next time you find yourself in a discussion with your spouse that’s escalating into this kind of “battle” where there’s a strong potential for hurt feelings and resentment, try to politely shut down the discussion and agree to pick up the conversation later, when you’ve both had a chance to cool down and think things over.
And then you can start the discussion again, when you both got cooler heads and hopefully make more progress and avoid screaming at one another in an unproductive way. Now, obviously, you do want to be careful when you do this, you know, you don’t want your spouse to think that you’re trying to back out and ignore the issue at hand.
But if you can say something like look, I think this discussion is maybe getting a little bit too heated. Let’s agree to take a break and continue the conversation tomorrow morning when we’ve both calmed down a bit.
one bonus tip, if your marriage is on the brink of collapse, take action, consider signing up for a one on one coaching program so that they can work with you on a personal ongoing basis. Together, you’ll dig into the underlying problems in your marriage and come up with a plan to save it before it’s too late.
You can see if there are any spots available right now by going to marriageguy.com/coaching. And that’s it for today everyone, thank you for reading, I hope that you learned at least one or two tips that you can put into practice today to make arguments with your spouse more productive and less damaging.
And as always guys, please leave your feedback and your questions in the comment section below and I will see you again in another article.