Hey, Emely here. And in this article, I’m going to tell you exactly how you can save your marriage today, even if you’re the only one putting in any effort. this is obviously going to be a massive topic, and I’m going to try and cover as much as I can here.
And even though this article might be a bit lengthy, I promise that if you read this entire article to the end, you’ll learn several tips and tricks that you can use today to help improve your marriage. And of course, I know that all marriages are different, right?
So what I’m going to do is share a framework for tackling the most common marital problems. However, if you have a specific question regarding your marriage, then leave those questions in the comment section below. And I’ll definitely do my best to get back to each and every one of you.
Alright, let’s jump into it, shall we? So this article is for people whose husband or wife have announced that they are just not happy anymore in their marriage. Maybe it’s because you argue too much. Maybe it’s because your sex life is non existent. Or maybe it’s because you can’t seem to reconcile a few problems that have been plaguing your marriage.
For the last little while, you might have even heard your spouse, say some things that you can’t get out of your head, you know, maybe they’ve said things like, I’m just not happy with you anymore, or I want a divorce, or I’m not in love with you anymore. Maybe they’ve said something even worse, and you’re not sure if you can overcome that hurdle.
But as bad as it may seem, with enough time coaching, motivation and planning, you can turn your marriage around. Now I know this for sure, because I’ve seen it happen 1000s of times. And believe me, however bad you think your situation is, I can guarantee you that I’ve seen marriages that are 10 times worse than whatever you’re going through right now.
Of course, you know, that’s not to say that this is going to be a walk in the park… “marriages are difficult”. And sometimes depending on the situation, things might get even harder before they start to improve. But if you are dedicated to fixing your marriage, and you have the grit and resilience to commit to it, then you’ll have a fantastic chance to rebuild that dream marriage that you and your spouse deserve.
Now before I get into various tips and tricks that you can do right now to help fix your marriage. First, let me tell you what not to do. And let me tell you, it doesn’t matter what you do to try and improve your marriage if you’re still committing at least one of these mistakes.
I call these my big marital mistakes or bmms for short. So let’s jump right into those shall we:
Big marital mistake to avoid :
big marital Mistake number one : being negative all the time.
Right now things with your spouse, they aren’t going great. And as a result, you might be miserable and bitter. And understandably so, especially if your spouse has been saying a lot of hurtful things to you. But adopting a positive attitude can make a huge difference in your marriage. It’s been scientifically proven that thinking positively can reduce your stress level lower depression and allow you to be better equipped to cope with hardships.
thinking positively has also been scientifically proven to make you more attractive to the people around you in your life. So there are loads of benefits here even outside your marriage. building this sort of mental resilience is one of the very first steps in your journey to building a better marriage. For short, you can actually look up some great CBT videos on YouTube later.
But what it does is it helps you let go of your negative feelings by simply being mindful of them. So it’s sort of like an advanced form of meditating. I know it might sound a little bit strange and confusing, but CBT is definitely backed by science and it can make a massive difference in how you perceive your current situation. So be sure to check out some CBT videos right after reading this article.
big marital Mistake number two: needlessly initiating conflict with your spouse.
See, when you’re trying to fix a marriage, you might think that communicating with your spouse is key. And this is obviously true. However, if your communications are pathological in nature, then you can actually make your marriage even worse, and these situations can easily spin out of control.
Right now you want to avoid starting pointless arguments without knowing the proper framework. an unnecessary argument will only make matters worse at this point. So even if your partner wants to start something or antagonize you do your very best to avoid this conflict politely. So this means you absolutely should not ignore your spouse or disregard their concerns.
But what you want to do is say something along the lines of Look, I know this is a big problem right now and I would really like to resolve this but can we discuss this later. Now if your spouse is angry right now, this might further agitate them, but try to be as non confrontational as possible until you know how to better handle your arguments. later in this article, I’ll go through something called my dispute defusing system. It’ll help you communicate better with your spouse.
big marital Mistake number three: radically altering your behavior.
So when things are going poorly in your marriage, it can affect your day to day life drastically. You might even start performing horribly at work or in school and this can have a nasty ripple effect on your health niche. Sleep and so on. So for the time being, you need to retain the illusion of normalcy even though you might be flowering on the inside.
So if your life begins to suffer in other aspects outside your marriage, these problems can compound and cause even more damage to your marriage. So instead, try to continue to focus on all the other aspects of your life appear like nothing can faze you. And by doing so, you’ll not only look more attractive to your spouse, but you’ll also ensure that you don’t cause any further strain on your marriage.
big marital Mistake number four : constantly nagging or annoying your spouse.
Now this is similar to mistake number two that we already talked about. But right now you want to avoid confrontation as much as possible. And you’ll need to learn how to pick your battles. So making a big deal of small things right now, like, for example, “who forgot to take out the garbage” is going to be completely counterproductive.
So the next time you feel like something is really annoying, you try and hold it in. Now I know this can be easier said than done. But trust me for now, this is the best course of action. If there’s something that is really eating away at you, I can teach you how to change your spouse’s behavior without nagging, just head over to marriageguy.com and watch the free video guide there. in that video, you’ll learn a ton of other useful tips and tricks that you can start using today.
big marital Mistake number five: acting highly irrational and hysterical.
So during this time of marital turmoil, you’ll probably want to say or do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Maybe you’re angry, depressed or upset. But regardless of what you’re feeling inside, you need to do whatever you can to keep these emotions in check.
So acting hysterical and crazy, will only help your chances of signing those divorce papers even sooner. So for now, take a deep deep breath and just try to put your best foot forward no matter how difficult things might be.
Big marital Mistake number six : Don’t do anything stupid.
Now, I know this seems you know pretty general and terse. But I have to make this point A lot of couples will consider doing something ridiculously stupid as a response to their failing marriage. I’ve even heard clients wanting to cheat on their spouses, make strange threats, or just straight up ghosts, their spouses. And I can tell you right now, that if you’re thinking about doing anything extreme, it probably won’t work to salvage your marriage.
Of course, you know, sometimes a well thought out ultimatum is necessary, but depending on the situation, but generally, you know, doing doing something overly brash is usually a horrible idea. Now, of course, like I said earlier, every situation is different. And sometimes you need personal guidance in order to navigate yourself through this tough time.
Now, if that is the case, please consider enrolling in a personal email coaching program. If you’re interested in signing up, just head over to marriageguy.com/coaching, and you’ll learn how you can hire a specialist to help you fix your marriage once and for all.
Now, there’s probably a few other obvious mistakes that I haven’t covered in this article. If you think that I’m missing a big one, please just go ahead and leave that in the comment section below. I would love to hear your feedback.
Okay, so now that we have a broad framework of things that you absolutely must not do, let’s talk a little bit about the behaviors and changes that you can make right now to put you on the road to building a better marriage. Now, again, this topic is absolutely massive. And it would be utterly impossible to cover absolutely everything you need to know here in this one article.
But that being said, there are frameworks that I like to use to address core marital issues. So for instance, at some point in a rocky marriage, it’s more than likely that you’ll have a disagreement in an argument with your spouse. Now without much care or attention. These disagreements can escalate into what I call marriage, murdering arguments or MMA.
These MMA can become so pathological that they can turn into actual MMA fights. Sorry, that joke I know. But in all seriousness, these MMA can do a considerable amount of damage to any marriage. But with the right tools, the right mindset, you can learn how to manage these arguments better, or even better, you can learn how to prevent them altogether.
So this is where my dispute defusing system comes into play. Now, there’s a lot about this concept in “mend the marriage program“. And it’s one of the most powerful tools that you can employ to improve your marriage moving forward.
Now, disputes and arguments are totally normal and actually healthy in any relationship. And again, you’re never going to be able to eradicate all arguments from your marriage. But if you know the proper framework to handle these arguments, it can bring you and your spouse even closer together. So in this segment of the video, I’m going to outline the major tenants of my dispute defusing system. So let’s begin…
Dispute defusing tactics
You don’t always have to win the argument:
Now this is a really big one. Some people don’t know when to put their swords down and just admit defeat, or at the very least empathize with the other person’s position. And trust me, I do know how difficult this can be because you’re always right, right?
Well…wrong. Letting go of who wins an argument might be one of the very best tactics that you can employ today. I mean, let’s put it this way. When you and your partner are engaged in a brutal marriage and murdering argument, there are no winners. I mean, think about it. Even if you win the argument, chances are your spouse is going to feel deeply annoyed and hateful of how you’ve managed to win. And that feeling of satisfaction after you win is going to be fleeting at best.
And not only that, but by focusing on winning an argument you’re forcing the other party to simply dig in and become more stubborn in their position. I mean, I’m sure you’ve been on the other side, right? Have you ever been in an argument where you know your position is weak, but since you’re obsessed with getting that when you don’t think rationally now, this kind of attitude is totally counterproductive and will definitely further damage your relationship with your spouse.
Letting go of the urge to always be right. It might take a lot of time. But here’s a great exercise to help you let go of this desire. The next time you’re in a small, arbitrary argument with anyone, even your spouse, try and admit that the other person is probably right. Even though you don’t feel that way. Once you learn how to let go of this pointless desire to always be right, your MMA frequency will definitely diminish and you’ll be well on your way to improving how your spouse feels about you.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that you should never fight for your personal values, you should do so even if it does cause an argument but with some rationality and with a dash of compassion, empathy, and in those cases, you might be able to have a more productive discussion with your spouse.
Learn to conduct your arguments with respect
Now a lot of this, is obvious, but we can all be guilty of breaking even the most obvious rules from time to time. And conducting your arguments with respect means absolutely no name calling no pointless accusations and no unnecessary aggression. Instead, just try to be as productive and respectful as possible, even if you have to grit your teeth to do it.
honestly, it doesn’t have to be difficult. For example, you can change the entire complexion of an argument by saying the word “i” instead of “you” during a dispute. So say for example, that you’re annoyed that your spouse, you’re annoyed at them because he or she always leaves their dirty laundry everywhere.
So you could say something like “you always leave your dirty underwear lying on the bathroom floor”. But a better way to articulate this concern would be say something like “I would definitely appreciate if the dirty underwear was thrown into the hamper instead of on the floor”.
See how one of those phrases sounds just a little bit more respectful. By making these very small changes in the way you behave. You can make a huge difference and once your spouse starts seeing you make this effort, honestly don’t be surprised if they start making an effort to have more respectful conversations with you as well .
Argue using good faith tactics
I’ve ever heard of the terms gaslighting, and what about ism you might hear a lot of politicians, you know who engage in these kind of counterproductive tactics. gaslighting is basically a form of psychological manipulation that forces the other person to question their own reality. So for example, saying something like “you always leave your underwear on the floor you do this because you hate me” is a definitely an example of gaslighting.
So you definitely don’t want to do that. And an example of what about ism would be something like “oh, yeah, maybe I do leave my underwear on the floor. But how about you? You never call my mom to say happy birthday”. As you can see what about ism involves, you know, conflating two issues that have almost no relevance to one another.
Another bad faith technique is exaggeration, saying stuff like you’re the worst cook in the world, or you haven’t been on time once in your whole life. Those are statements that simply aren’t true. And they don’t help you productively navigate through an argument.
So are you guilty of any of these manipulation tactics? If you are, then it is imperative that you stop. Now this is going to sound a little weird, but the next time you argue with your spouse, ask them if it’s okay to record your conversation don’t make it seem like it’s for the purpose of using the recording against them. But tell them you’re doing it for yourself because you want to learn how to argue more productively with them.
obviously, this is pretty straightforward. But it’s a lot easier said than done. When tempers are flaring. It’s tough to stay even keeled and understandably so However, by acting hysterical, you only make matters worse for you and your spouse. Again, look into mindfulness and meditation.
I just downloaded an app called waking up that has really helped me but there’s dozens of other apps out there that will help you stay calm during stressful situations .
take a break from arguing
So when an MMA is happening, learn to recognize it and nip it in the bud if you will. One of the best ways to do this is to take frequent breaks during an argument, but you have to do this properly. Because what you don’t want to do is just get up and leave in the middle of an argument without acknowledging it.
That’s only going to aggravate your spouse even more. So instead, tell your spouse that you’d like to continue this conversation, but you need some time to cool off. So one of the best practices actually contradicts one of the most popularly held beliefs when it comes to arguing in marriage. that is to never go to bed angry.
My opinion, it’s actually perfectly fine going to bed angry at your spouse. In fact, sometimes approaching the argument with a cooler head the next morning is exactly what you and your spouse need.
trying to inject some laughs during your argument
Now obviously, you have to be a little careful about using humor during an argument. If you make light of whatever your spouse is talking about, or you ignore the purpose of their argument, you’ll end up at annoying them even more, right but a well timed joke can do a lot to prevent a marriage murdering argument from happening in the first place.
You don’t even have to crack a witty joke. You know, you can even say something like “this topic reminds me of that time we were so late for that dinner reservation that the lady looked like she was going to cry”. Do remember that again. Just be careful when using this tactic as it does have the potential to backfire. But generally trying to keep the mood cheerful is a great way to prevent the argument from getting out of hand.
Now these are only six dispute defusing tactics that I’ve given you here today. But if you want to learn how to get the entire system, just head on over to marriageguy.com and watch the full free video.
Now learning how to Navigate through an argument is only one aspect of improving your marriage. How about the other aspects? Well, let’s assume the worst here. What if your spouse already said that he or she wants a divorce? How do you try and convince your husband or wife that they should give the marriage another shot?
Well, in order for us to go any further, we really need to properly diagnose the reasons why your marriage is in dire straits to begin with, has the passion and chemistry waned? Do you lack common interests and hobbies? Is there a deep disagreement that you share? Do you disagree on how the children should be raised?
Obviously, I can’t simply answer all those questions here in this article. But I do release new articles all the time on a variety of marital problems. So please subscribe and follow me so you can easally find my articles on this website…click here
Now in this next part, I’ll set up some ground rules for you to follow.
Rules to follow :
whatever you do, do not panic
I know this can be super difficult if you have kids, and your spouse said they want a divorce. But whatever you do, don’t act hysterical. This could drive your spouse away even faster. Instead, try to remain cool, calm and collected. I know again, this is going to seem harder than it sounds.
But if you really want to fix your marriage, you’re going to have to try and figure out things with a cool temperament. Again, CBT. And those meditation apps can really help to alleviate some of the stress that you’re currently experiencing.
delay, delay, delay.
See, if your spouse has already told you that he or she wants a separation or divorce, they’ve clearly thought the idea through so right now there’s little that you can do or say, to try to convince them otherwise. So the best thing to do right now is buy some time.
Why? Well, because right now you and your spouse are probably feeling quite emotional. And , it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to engage in any kind of productive conversation at this point. Secondly, buying time allows you to come up with a great plan to save your marriage.
saving your marriage can be extremely complicated, and you need a proper plan of action to not only fix your problems, but rebuild the marriage that you used to have. of course, that’s where mend the marriage system comes into play.
this system has saved 1000s of marriages from divorce. And it’s based on the latest and most effective marriage counseling research. And while I can’t guarantee that it’ll 100% save your marriage, I can guarantee that you’ll have the best shot possible of fixing things starting today.
if you’re interested in registering for mend the marriage system, just click the link and watch the free how to video. In that video, you’ll learn everything you need to know about starting the process of saving your marriage immediately.
Acknowledge your spouse’s concerns
Don’t ignore the problems that your spouse perceives, tell them that you know that this is a serious problem. And that you totally understand where they’re coming from, tell them that you’re happy that they brought it up. Because right now you need to let your spouse know that their feelings are heard and that you’re more than willing to listen and to talk.
As difficult as it is…give your spouse some room to breathe
Now this one can be really hard when you live with your spouse. But giving them some space, it can help immensely. that means pursuing your own social life… chasing after your career goals or even just taking up a new passion. As I said earlier, trying to retain a level of normalcy is key here and giving yourself and your spouse some space is essential to letting their emotions settle.
take my marriage quiz
So just head over to marriageguy.com/quiz and try out the free quiz tool. The quiz will tell you how good or bad your current marriage situation is. And based on your score, it’ll automatically generate some personalized advice on how to fix things moving forward.
Don’t be discouraged by the title of the quiz. It’s very rare that a marriage can’t be saved at all. So take some time to take this quiz and get going get some extra insight into how you’re doing.
Now in this last segment of the Article I want to talk about a concept that I call always be trying or abt see one symptom of a bad marriage is that one or both parties stop trying. They become lazy, and they don’t put in the effort required to build a better marriage.
Now this sort of marital complacency might be one of the worst situations to be in because both parties begin to slowly suffocate under the weight of the marriage and this way can take forever to hit that boiling point. So this next bit is designed to alleviate that problem.
these next tips are what I like to call my complacency killers.
Complacency killer tips
take care of yourself
So in the quest to abt or always be trying, you have to look out for number one yourself. It’s really easy to get knocked down and complacent when it comes to your fitness your career and your personal friendships when your marriage is in the gutter.
So don’t forget to hit the gym, eat those broccoli sprouts and engage in some self love. Remember, you’re a catch and if you treat yourself as such, your spouse will begin to think the same too
try and have a meaningful conversation with your spouse on a regular basis
Now, obviously, you might not be able to do this right now, depending on where you’re at in your marriage. But having a meaningful conversation about a deeper topic can do a lot to bring you closer to your spouse. It’s just too easy to just talk about the weather or how their day went.
So instead try to talk about something a little deeper talk about how they feel about where they’re at in life right now. Talk about philosophy or chat about their new year’s resolutions. Then talk about your goals and your aspirations too. opening up to your spouse about deeper topics can really help you and your spouse feel like you’re a team again.
plan a date
Now this one’s a little obvious, but you can go even deeper than that, try and plan something that really gets the blood pumping like a big hike, helicopter tour or hang gliding excursion, whatever. Just try and plan something that’s slightly out of both of your comfort zones.
Going through experiences like that together can be enough to push you both in the right direction when it comes to fixing your marriage.
learn your spouse’s love language and use it.
So have you ever heard of the five love languages… we all speak one or two of these languages. And it’s how we can communicate with our spouse that we love them. So for example, you might love receiving gifts from your spouse, but your spouse may not feel the same way about receiving gifts from you.
Instead, they might prefer you know, words of affirmation or physical intimacy. But By now, you should know what your spouse’s love language is. once you learn your spouse’s love language, don’t be afraid to begin speaking it, it’ll work like a charm. And if you don’t believe me, please just try and give it a shot.
break your regular routine
So when you’re married and busy, it’s really easy to slip into a natural routine. And while this is totally fine most of the time, sometimes injecting an element of surprise can work wonders. So you know, let your imagination run loose a little, you could try planning that camping trip that you’ve been talking about or book a surprise reservation at the new Italian restaurant in town.
It can even be as simple as initiating a random makeout session right before work breaking from routine can ignite a much needed spark underneath your marriage and push you both to try a little harder.
Now the key here with all of these complacency killer tips is that you should always be trying… marriages require a tremendous amount of effort to work. But this effort pays off in spades when you get it… right now I know I probably didn’t address all of your concerns or issues in this article. So if you’re wanting to learn more, then again, head over to marriageguy.com and watch the free guide on how to save your marriage today.
But if you just have a quick question, go ahead and ask it in the comment section below and I will definitely get back to you. Alright, I think it’s time for me to wrap this one up. I hope you guys learned something here in this article. Thank you very much and we’ll see you next time.